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Brussels Sprouts Proven Tasty After All
Research upends long-held theories about dreaded tiny brassicas
Long-maligned, the humble Brassica oleracea has seen a recent resurgence in interest among local children in many of its most commonly-recognized forms—kale, cabbage, broccoli, and cauliflower. Of them all, though, the Brussels sprout has remained a lowly vegetable outcast; local children have, at best, paid this squat and unassuming leaf marble no mind, and at worst, have scorned it publicly.
In a shocking turn this weekend, though, one local child discovered that the little fella holds a delicious secret, invalidating theories—in some cases, dating back years—regarding its general disgustingness. While eating a roast chicken this Sunday, four-year-old Kina de Ocampo-Yee was challenged repeatedly by her father to try just a single Brussels sprout; despite Ms. Yee’s progressively more strident denials, her father insisted that “this is exactly what Daniel Tiger was talking about” and that “Katerina Kittycat would want you to have three bites, and I am only asking for one.” Kina’s mother, fearing a total meltdown, attempted to block further research, telling her husband to “cut it out” and “let her eat fruit”. Had he done so, this publication believes, science would have been done a disservice.
Instead, seeing an opportunity, Mr. Yee offered the younger Ms. Yee a full plate of melon, to be delivered only after a single bite of Brussels sprout. Ms. Yee, a self-described “melon fiend”, reluctantly consented to one final experiment. That experiment, surprisingly, demonstrated a full flavor profile, almost no disgusting squishiness, and a chompy texture—all in contradiction to the now-invalidated literature. The research was conducted a second time, yielding the same results, and further tests were run to ensure that the sprouts remained delicious both alone and in conjunction with chicken. With no ill effects observed, Ms. Yee declared Brussels sprouts both edible and delicious, and has submitted her paper for peer review.
The research team ate all remaining sprouts for lunch today. She said they made her “farty”.