Audit: Parents Inconsistent in Enforcement of Bedtime Rules

Child roams unchecked, even after Nicole Kidman story

Records of Kina’s post-bedtime roaming suggest a near-total absence of enforcement of bedtime law by her parents, despite multiple edicts issued by the local Parental Sleep Board that forbid both repeated demands for post-story parental visitation and roaming to locations other than the potty. In one night alone, Kina was shown to have left the confines of her room on six separate occasions—of which only one was a sanctioned potty visit and in four cases was a direct and illegal incursion into the living room. The Daily Kina has uncovered multiple recordings of Daddy reciting the bedtime rules (which clearly prohibit any non-potty-based emergence from Kina’s bedroom before the light turns green at 6:24 AM) and videos of Kina mere minutes later being walked back to her bed. In no case was the prescribed penalty, a closing of the bedroom door and gate, levied; those same videos show, instead, that Daddy provided several hugs upon Kina’s return.

Sources close to the family say they’re baffled by the inconsistency and have privately put pressure on the parents to follow through on their promises, indicating that an unwillingness to do so might suggest to Kina that bedtime has no meaning at all. Less egregious transgressions, such as summoning Mommy to change her blanket “because [she] is sweaty”, are nonetheless even more frequent, which scientists probably think is even worse and might result in higher levels of delinquency and insomnia in adulthood. When contacted, actual scientists refused to comment, telling this paper to “chill out”, that Kina would “be fine”, and that it “is a pandemic, you have to remember.”

Some in the household have speculated that Kina’s increased and unsanctioned post-bedtime exits are related to Daddy’s recent acclaimed serial retelling of Paddington—a 2014 live-action animated comedy film starring, among others, Nicole Kidman. Forensic analysis of bedtime recordings has uncovered quiet demands from Kina to have her father release more of the story than scheduled on each of the last four evenings.

“Can [I?] ha[ve] jus[t] a teeeeeens[y] bit [more]?”– Kina, January 4, 7:47 PM

Authorities have beseeched Kina’s father to tell a less brilliant and Scheherazadian story, or at least to slacken the ending of each chapter—helping to bore Kina to sleep and reduce the frequency of her night beckonings. “Unthinkable!” Daddy responded when asked to comment, “I shall continue to put my all into this work. Art above all else! My precious daughter deserves no less!”

The current chapter of the serial, extracted from a recording late last night, has Nicole Kidman discovering the secret London home of Paddington, a bear, and knocking at the door. It is not clear whether Paddington answered the door. In response to a request for comment, the author replied, “You will simply have to wait. Good night, sleep tight, I love you.”

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