“The Newspaper Doesn’t Have to Cost Anything”

The first issue of The Daily Kina cost twenty-five cents. The second cost forty-seven cents. For a long time it was three dollars “because I’m three”. As early as April 9th of last year, the price was “$ANY YOU PICK”. On April 26th, it' was “$100 CUZ I SAID A HUNDRED”. It seems like the Sunday Kina last Mother’s Day had no price, but that was likely an accident. The “meow meow” edition cost exactly “$🐾”. June 19th inexplicably cost 3%—of what, I have no idea. From there, the prices bounce around chaotically in the set of all rational numbers. Near the end of July, the prices enter gasoline tax territory, with prices like $22.22²², eventually reaching eighteen decimal points, but still generating roughly thirty dollars at a pop. Then, suddenly, in August, it’s “$22 except you eat eggs w/ur butt” or “$22 or a sippy cup or it seems like I’m not dealing with you”. Heroes start to show up soon, with various exceptions to the retail price for She-Ra and Tunip from Octonauts. Further carve-outs appear soon, like “$22 except if sad or sick”. Variations on the price of twenty-two dollars seemingly stretch on for months, interrupted by a single “$I’M CUTTING” in late October. The Sunday Kina on October 25th cost exactly one dollar, but the next day was $22.21, and on October 28th, the price shoots up to $1,000,000,200,000,000,000,000,000. On November 18th, the price is “$NOT TELLING YOU”, and the very next day we see a note under the price of $22.21: “Just one more time don’t worry.” The next five days see an interesting pattern: $1, $2, $3, “$MOM”, $5. Following that, three straight variations on no price at all: “$FREE”, “$I DON’T WANT A PRICE”, and $0. After that, we begin to see the now-familiar conceptual prices: “$ONE BEAD”, “$STOP TALKING TO ME”, “$🥛”, and “$🍓”. We are charged “$DADDY PRICE”, “$PEN PRICE”, and “$SANTA PRICE”. Nicole Kidman makes a showing as a price in late December, after she watches Paddington. Kina’s teacher, Ms. Olenick, is a price twice in one week in early January. I am the price for several issues in late winter, and then we begin to see her interest tapering off. I imagine I’ll continue to extract pricing from her for a while, but our publisher has grown tired of charging for The Daily Kina. Don’t be surprised if this publication eventually costs nothing at all, but we hope you remain a subscriber nonetheless. Even at $1,000,000,200,000,000,000,000,000, this paper has always been a tremendous value.

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