Child Asks If Mommy Hand-Picked a Daughter

We did not, for the record, pick one way or the other, but Laurea and I are both thrilled to have the strong and clever daughter we got, all by chance. Kina caught her mother by surprise when she posed the question last night, which went a bit like, “Did you know whether you were gonna have a daughter?”

We did, and it was a daunting revelation—as it might have been in some other universe in which we were having a son. At the time, it felt specific to Kina and the challenges of gender she might someday face, but I think, in hindsight, that it’s just scary knowing that you’re responsible for bringing any human being of any gender into a world in which they might fall into its traps and habits.

That responsibility presents as fear and ripens into action over time; we’ve had plenty of time to reflect on the politics and traditions of gender—through the lens of national policy, mainstream children’s media, and the Elsa dress ecosystem. Learning when and how to take action (and when to let well enough alone) has been an ongoing process of waking up to the ways in which children are made to understand who they are. We don’t squeeze Kina into boxes, but we don’t nudge her out, either.

She met a little boy at the beach in New Jersey today—coincidentally, a kid who was born at roughly the same time as her, in the same neighborhood, who goes to the same school she does. She showed off her little Elsa dress as we packed up our things, and his mother remarked that he had a very similar Elsa dress at home. They vibed on that for a while, Kina and the little boy in a striped wetsuit, imagining what two Elsas might look like in the same room.

Maybe the Kina who might have been a boy would have ended up wearing the same dress she did today. It’s very cute, but it’s scratchy polyester. Anything for the look. Some things you get to pick, and some you’re lucky to get.

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