“Like, I would like to run fast but I want to slow down after“
Kina and I spent her entire bathtime playing out various wishes that could go awry at the hands of a nefarious magic mirror.
Wish you could run fast? What if you could never stop running fast? Best, instead, to wish that you could run fast “for just a little while and then stop.”
Wish you could hug Mommy forever? What if that meant you had to drag Mommy around to school and on hot days? Best to say you wish you could hug her “during certain times at night and she wouldn’t go back to her bed.”
attentive child reminds Daddy that she is, in fact, real
You know, it seems not really a good thing for my mental health that my kid has to tell me that she is “not an illusion”. She is right, though—I do love blue and green.
from toddler to teen, our publisher celebrates 1461 consecutive days of her marker-recorded life
When I was a kid, my dad had a manual typewriter that he kept in a room downstairs. This was obviously before computers and home-office electric typewriters, and it sat on his desk largely unused (as far as I could tell). There was one day, though, when I heard him clacking away at the keys, pushing back the carriage return and rolling the platen to release the paper—the first edition of a publication he had titled The Churchill Downs Bugle (after the street we lived on, not the horse race). It’s hard for me to remember, at this age, the specific headlines of that newspaper, and the issues that followed it, but I remember reading it over and over and laughing at his puns and the stories about me and my siblings. It felt special to see myself on a page—to see what my dad saw that was funny about me.
Almost four years ago, I joked with my dad that I had surpassed his output as a newspaper magnate, which was a bit unfair, as The Churchill Downs Bugle contained fully reported and written-through articles with actual jokes and was laid out (if I recall correctly) in two columns and was (absolutely) produced on a manual typewriter. By contrast, The Daily Kina is basically three headlines, a few illustrations, and several horizontal lines that suggest the existence of puns.
Nonetheless, The Daily Kina is inspired by The Churchill Downs Bugle in a way. The morning I wrote the first edition, I pulled out a sheet of pink construction paper and some of Kina’s crayons, and I wrote down the thing she had said to her mother just a few moments earlier: “YOU A CHEESE FIEND HUH”—a hilarious and extremely accurate observation. It was Friday, and it was quiet outside the house and quiet inside the house; a pandemic was raging, quietly, outside, and all the playgrounds were shuttered. We had run out of patience with Daniel Tiger (“A Grreat Show”) and I remember feeling the need to memorialize what was happening to Kina, who was only three and had no point of reference for how a reasonable Friday should feel.
Mayor of Williamsburg greets her many loyal young citizens
It’s kind of shocking how being in elementary school acquaints you with so many more human beings who live nearby. I have lived in this literal apartment for 24 years, and I don’t know that I’ve ever run into nine people I know in a single day in this neighborhood. Seven year olds are wild!
He taught her how to swim and will be sorely missed
Matthew, Kina’s swim teacher for the last several months, has not been around for the last five weeks or so. We knew he was an actor and in college, and we assumed that he was simply working on a gig or on the road, but when Laurea asked the lifeguard in passing when Matthew was coming back, her reply was, “He’s not coming back.”
This all happened within earshot of Kina, his most devoted fan, who immediately burst into tears. She has not bonded with either of Matthew’s steady replacements, who are less funny and more intense than Matthew had been. We think she had been counting the weeks until he would return, and learning that he would not return was too much for her to bear.
Laurea convinced her to hop into the pool for a bit, to blow some bubbles and give it a go with her new teacher, but she couldn’t stop crying and eventually asked to leave.
She is torn between wanting to stand put on North 5th and actually eating
It was too rainy to ride the bike, and the car was locked in the garage, and the L train wasn’t running. A literal perfect storm. Sorry, kid. This is how the pioneers did it.
Kid pits parents against each other in competition for free spa treatment; Mommy gets points for snuggling, while Daddy earns credit for when he is not a confused man
Let’s just say I’m not getting a spa treatment anytime soon.
She scorns the rude spider and cheers for the mosquito
I didn’t know what to expect from Storyville Mosquito when my brother invited us to see it, but I can assure you it is not what I would have expected, had I expected anything at all. It’s a beautiful puppet show, a sort of opera, a one-take film, and a chance to see Kid Koala play.
Thanks to Ken for the tickies; it was a real gas. Boo to the spider. Mosquito! Mosquito!
Child questions the nature of our shared reality while eating candy
This newspaper is proof that, if you listen closely enough, you will find that any given seven year old is likely pitching Inception to you in the living room after dinner.
It is clear to all listening that it is a show for first graders
Runa and Kina seem to know an awful lot about this show that they have clearly not watched in an extremely long time.
I misspelled “Gabby’s” in the headline, which is why the show name is in blue.
I have learned recently just how habitually I say “Yo!” in response to questions and how frequently I use the pet name “Bud” with both Kina and Laurea, and how both of them hate that so very very much. I am sorry to both of you; I seriously do not realize I am doing it.
The individual to be turned into chili here is the child, who eventually renegotiates terms on account of allegedly being undercooked
What I love most about this headline is that it is unclear who the chili is meant to be. Unclear antecedents are the best part of any headline—fight me. Anyhow, there is something vaguely appealing to me about getting snuggled for two hours and then turning into a fantastic pot of chili. It is, of course, equally appealing to stir Kina’s face for hours on end while she opines about life as a bowl of chili, but I didn’t get the snuggles, so moot point.
Oh hey it’s a Parade!
What I wish you could have seen in the production of today’s Parade is how Kina used it as a means of teaching Laurea how to draw roses. Also, the lily is fantastic.
Stands for ten seconds with arms outstretched once music ends, soaks up adulation; this follows one hour of Taylor Swift
Yes, there may have been thirty other children performing Taylor Swift songs, knock-knock jokes, and dribbling basketballs, but the applause was all for Kina.
kid has heard enough about Mommy’s breathless first experiences in America, the land of milk and bathtubs
I mean, if you had drunk evaporated milk your entire life and only ever taken showers, you’d talk endlessly about your first fresh milk and hot bath for the rest of your life, too.
Students prepare monument to worm’s short, exciting life
RIP Pinky, we hardly knew ye. I mean, literally, I first heard of you yesterday, when Kina said, “We made a grave for Pinky at recess,” which caught me by surprise—as it would anybody, I think.
Maybe Pinky will come back as an animal, as one does. Until then, Kina and her friends will be watering the apple seed they planted for you.
enjoys 2.5 hours of puppetry, surreptitiously touches elephant
Kina has been waiting to go to the theater with the most avid theater goer that either she and I know for many years now, and she finally hit the jackpot with a trip to The Lion King with my brother Ken. She spent the whole prior day protecting her braids in preparation for the show, and a mani-pedi with Laurea and a walk through Times Square made for just about the perfect day.
She has been singing a random song from The Lion King ever since. I have no idea what it is, because I have never watched anything related to this Disney enterprise, and that is why I’m glad Ken loves theater. Thanks, Uncle Ken!
Kina tells stylist Christina about Mommy’s inspirational spa habits
As today’s headlines might suggest, Laurea spent a good part of the day at the spa, and the only things Kina knows about spas are that Mommy loves the hot saunas and encourages strangers to jump into the cold plunge, screaming at them to “get in there!” People apparently enjoy this. Kina and I are skeptical.
Mythical figures come under scrutiny; Mommy on fence re aliens
Kina’s erstwhile fascination with the Tooth Fairy was a bit of a surprise. You’d think that kids would quickly pick up on the whole “supernatural being who is said to arrive overnight” pattern, but teeth come out late in a kid’s life, and there aren’t many myths to go around.
The Fairy has visited four times, and four times did she place underneath Kina’s pillow a lengthy and prosaic note, containing probably more money than a tooth is worth. I took great pleasure in writing each of these notes, sneaking in after the clock struck ten to replace her fallen incisor with the Fairy’s gift.
Kina seemed to relish the myth of the Tooth Fairy, and so it came as some surprise last night when Kina (who has not recently lost a tooth, but has discovered a newly-wiggly cuspid) asked—finally—if the Tooth Fairy was real.
She celebrates his eventual awakening with sweet whispers, juicy dumplings, obstacle course, and dance party
It feels like Oatie is always asleep when we get dim sum as a family, but yesterday we just sat and sat and sat and ate and ate and ate until he woke up and got his fill of dumplings and buns. Good thing he ate, too, since we then decamped to a nearby playground for family obstacle course and dance party time. It was the perfect New Year breakfast with the kids.
Later, as you can see, I perfected my popcorn technique by using an alarming quantity of ghee and tossing it with everything I love dearly (salt, sugar, and MSG). I am proud of both the real popcorn I made and this drawing of a popcorn kernel.
Ollie and Lulu visit once again for jaunt through gigantic indoor playground, followed by dinner of tasty pasta + mozz sticks
I’ve been a day behind with these emails for almost a week, so you’re getting two today—the first of which is about Kina’s beloved child friends from Philly, who always love coming to New York because they get to see Kina and invariably jump on trampolines.
Kina and Futura roam the streets of Chinatown in search of roving troupes of lion dancers, are rewarded for persistence and generosity, eat pork buns
The middle Saturday of every Lunar New Year in Manhattan’s Chinatown is “Super Saturday”, when all the local king fu schools bring out their lion troupes and walk the streets to collect red envelopes from local businesses and—if they are lucky—Kina and her small friends. We saw lions of all different colors and sizes (kids too!) and even one troupe that climbed up to the second story of a building on Baxter Street to fetch a cabbage and some money from a pole stretched over the road. Kina and Futura got to pet that dragon on the nose after they gave it two bucks in a red envelope. Great value. Happy new year!
